March 29, 2017

7 Disappointing Magic Items

Time for some more silliness!

Disappointing Magic Items

This selection may not be completely useless, but they definitely don't live up to their billing.

Chime of Grand Opening
Wondrous item, uncommon
When struck, this magical chime produces a sound of trumpets and applause, and summons a spectral pair of scissors which can be directed by the person who struck the chime to cut any ribbon within 10 feet. The scissors persist for one minute, then disappear. Once activated, the chime cannot be struck again for 1 hour.

Elven Chains
Wondrous item, common
This magical chain is 50 feet long and weighs 5 lbs. It has 10 hit points and is immune to nonmagical damage.

Filter of Love
Wondrous item, common
While wearing these tinted spectacles, you have advantage on Wisdom (Insight) checks made to determine whether or not someone is romantically interested in you. 

Lute of Slaying
Wondrous item, uncommon (requires attunement by a bard)
This black lute is decorated with skulls and flames. When you are attuned to it, you are able to improvise killer solos and face-melting riffs with ease.

Pipe of the Public Sewers
Weapon (mace), uncommon
This magical mace looks like a miniature iron pipe. As a bonus action, you can speak a command word, causing it to expand into a 10-foot length of drainage pipe weighing 200 lbs. Once expanded, it cannot be collapsed.

Ring of the Resistance
Ring, uncommon
While wearing this ring, any resistance fighter, rebel, partisan or guerrilla will automatically recognize you as a friend or ally of their cause. You have advantage on any Charisma checks you make to interact with them.

Skeletal Key
Wondrous item, uncommon
This key, made from brittle bone, will instantly open any lock. Once it has been used, it immediately breaks and loses its magic. 

21 comments:

  1. Can the skeletal key open a skeleton's rib cage?
    Could be useful against devourers.

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    1. Well, a rib cage isn't a lock, so... no? In case you missed it, this item is a play on the idea of a 'skeleton key' that opens any lock.

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    2. Yeah, I got it. I continued the joke by suggesting that a 'skeleton' key should open a 'cage' that is part of a skeleton.

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    3. Fair enough. I'm just failing to imagine where in a ribcage you would *put* the key. Like, do you just smoosh it into the sternum?

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  2. Gotta love guitars with skills on them. Very fitting for a bard.

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    Replies
    1. 'The runes etched upon this instrument are ancient symbols for Acrobatics, Animal Handling, Arcana...'

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  3. Lute of Slaying made me laugh out loud.

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  4. Ahem dungeons and dragons meet Clementine and one Edward riggs

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  5. Elven Chains would be incredibly useful. I'd carry one in my backpack. Need a tow rope? Elven Chains. They'll never break!

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    Replies
    1. Expensive, though, with a 100gp guide price...

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    2. still... You need magic to break them AT ALL. Id kill for something like that in my game. As a utility item it sounds as useful as an unbreakable shield or an immovable rod.

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    3. I've always wanted a character with a pair of Immovable rods. With enough upper body strength you could climb ANYWHERE

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    4. Fighting a gigantic Ogre Demon once, a character of mine stuck an immovable rod into the strap holding his shield to his arm.

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    5. @Joshua: with enough upper-body strength, you wouldn't need *two*. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPGqgmS981E

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    6. I have a player who managed to get 2 rods. He does indeed climb everywhere. And then stands on them and fires his bow. Pretty soon all the enemies will also have bows...

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  6. "Decorated with skills and flames"?

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    Replies
    1. Was about to ask that myself

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    2. It should say "skulls and flames". I *thought* I had caught and changed that already, but I see it's still a problem...

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  7. Honestly the Elven Chains are actually an item i was LOOKING for, due to there resilience and low weight, as my fighter is planing on creating a harpoon and chain weapon for dealing with Giants and flying creatures.

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